I subjected my toddler to act as witness to torturous, animal cruelty today. Let me explain: I noticed a few spiders in the eaves of our back patio a few weeks ago. When my neighbor pointed them out and suggested I give them the "chick treatment" I was intrigued (and slightly embarrassed-she brazenly pointed out how unkempt my patio was while simultaneously introducing a technique with which I was not familiar). Chick Treatment? Yeah, she continued, in a tone that said You Idiot, without actually saying, You Idiot. You just spray spiders with Aqua Net until they're so stiff they can't move...then they starve to death. Take a minute for yourself to process this....at least I did. Whew (close eyes, shake head), that sounds terrible. But, the very next day I found myself at the hardware store with a spray bottle of spider killer in my cart and a mental debate developing in my head. (This seems cruel. I studied Biology in college, I understand those stupid leggy things have a purpose. They bite my children, they deserve to die! Spiders are so intriguing, and talented. And TOTALLY creepy, yuk! KILL 'EM ALL!) I bought the spray and proceeded to let it sit by the back door for a week. And today, for some reason, frustration, lack of sleep, whatever it was, I picked up that spray can in one hand, clutched Shelby's little hand in the other and proclaimed, "MOMMA'S GONNA GET THOSE SPIDERS!!!!!" (And maybe I actually roared, for a second) Then I sprayed the bastards and all their little baby bastards, too. And suddenly the scene went from Ramboette vs. Nature to something horribly gruesome. Spiders appeared from everywhere, curling and twisting their spindly bodies in pain, then they twitched and turned and let out their webs until there were 29 tortured spider bodies hanging from my eaves, twisting painfully in the wind. I swear I heard tiny screeching noises as the twitching slowed. I have a bad feeling about tomorrow. Pretty sure spider genocide is not covered by my Good Karma Insurance.
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