I awoke this morning to the faint smell of smoke. Naturally, this concerned me enough to wander around the house half dressed in the dark hours of the morning. It was 6:45 and John had already left, both girls had miraculously appeared in my bed, and the back door was wide open. What the hell? Arctic wind was whipping through the house, the fireplace was on, and, wait, was that the oven I heard turn on? Someone please tell me why John would choose this morning to try out the Self-Cleaning Feature on our oven. Based on the toxic fumes pluming from the kitchen, I'm guessing that the house should probably be vacated during this process. And oh, what luck, it's the coldest weather we've had all year, dumping rain and pitch F$!@#ing dark. I repeat, WHAT THE HELL?