4/11/08

Hit Me With Your Best Shot

There is a chair in my living room that has an odor. I have owned this chair for 6 years and it started to smell last summer. There is a dog who lives in my house. I have owned this dog for 7 years and she has never been allowed to sit on the furniture. Until last summer, when my second child was born and the chair and my dog became intimate. My dog, Kiley was my first child, my baby warm-up. I took her everywhere, ordered her hamburgers at the drive-thru window, painted her nails (no small feat, considering she's a 75 pound chocolate lab), and regarded her as my faithful running partner. Then I had my first daughter, Shelby, and I noticed Kiley was rather hard to pet way down there with a baby in my arms. And her fur seemed to be shedding. She never shed before I had a baby, I swear. Kiley became the stepchild I lavished on occasion while I spent the majority of my time doting on my newest addition. When Ana, my second daughter, came along last summer, days went by, even weeks, when I hadn't so much as laid a hand on Kiley's soft coat. Kiley found someone else to love, The Chair. The first time it happened the girls and I returned from an outing and peeked into the living room window as we made our way to the door. I was met by Kiley's guilty brown eyes staring up at me as she snuggled a little deeper into The Chair. "What the hell? The dog's on the furniture???" Ugh, as if I don't have enough to handle with two kids and a half remodeled house. Jeeeessh! This same scenario repeated itself for months and every time I'd come into the house, Kiley would slink off The Chair a little slower until one day she didn't get off the chair at all. I gave her a tongue lashing like you couldn't believe and chased her out of the house but it didn't last. The next day I came home to find her brown furry body curled up on the sofa! Holy Hell, is there no end to this? Then I noticed a dent in the down comforter on my bed and inspected to find evidence of Kiley there, too. This dog was showing her true colors now. And then I sat in The Chair and noticed a stench, a sweet garlic pooey smell. And upon further inspection found a tiny brown smear resembling a grease spot. Gritting my teeth and kicking myself for not dealing with Kiley's love affair with my furniture sooner, I called the vet before I even bothered to clean it up. The vet explained that my 7 year old dog has irritated Anal Glands and went on to say that she needs to have them expressed. Aren't her anal glands expressive enough? I mean, my chair smells like....like...it smells disgusting! When Kiley's exam, and subsequent expressing experience, was finished, the vet mentioned that this could be a recurring problem and I may need to bring Kiley in every few months. With every other dog, this wouldn't be a problem but my dog has MAJOR anxiety over the vet which results in public urination, shaking, yelping, running away, hiding under parked cars. And today, not only included peeing on the lobby floor before we entered our exam room, but apparently she shit all over the back room where they did her "Expressing Treatment". GROSS! So, the vet and I met eye to eye on the possibility of our visits becoming more regular and we both knew neither of us needed more of Kiley at the doctor's office. So, the doctor offers to show me how to express Kiley's anal glands myself. WHAT? Does this doctor understand my line of work? I wipe asses and change poopy diapers all day long, I certainly don't need to add my dog's anal glands to my job description. Thanks, but no thanks.

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