The Village People

I'm trapped in the twilight zone with a thumb sucking teenager and hammering on my head-literally. And those things pale in comparison ...I took Shelby to dance class yesterday only to find that my day had been turned upside down and Earth forgot to send me the memo. We arrived at the dance studio on time (for once!) to be informed that we were on "Performance Schedule" and class didn't begin for another hour. Glad I decided to bring the dog along for a "quick outing" in the hot car. Shelby was happy to make do with a tutu and some hula hoops to pass the time. Other parents began to arrive and I recognized one mom from preschool. Look, she is coming my way! (like something out of a jr. high social) "Hi! she nearly foamed at the mouth, "Aren't you excited for tonight?" The blank look on my face must have prompted her to continue, "You know, the preschool graduation ceremony tonight?" OH SHIT! Wait a second.... preschool doesn't finish until next week and the potluck ice cream social is next Wednesday...Isn't it? (oh, God let us please have one more week of preschool!!!!!!!). Okay, I think I'm gonna bet on the other mom. Odds are pretty good my dates are wrong (big surprise.) and now I need two cans of whipped cream STAT and make an emergency call to John: Go Directly Home after work, do not pass Go, do not collect $200 (the mother of your children has blown it...again). I'm two for two! This is when I noticed the 15 year old sitting in the corner of the room sucking his thumb, and then tiny unicorns did the river dance around my head. We arrived at the "graduation" a mere ten minutes late, freshly purchased whip cream in hand. After the teachers introduced 18 "graduating preschoolers" one at a time with a 5 minute description spent on each child's individual personality traits and learning behaviors, I stepped into the hall to change Ana's diaper. John appeared and whispered through clenched teeth, "Do the teachers know Shelby's here? Are they going to say anything about her?" I knew he was getting at the inevitable two hour meltdown over her lack of flower, certificate, and personal introduction like everyone else. He continued, "Where's Riley? Where are the other kids?" It occurred to me that all the children on the rug were 5 years old and moving on to Kindergarten next year. Shelby's only 3 and none of the younger kids were anywhere to be seen. I AM A TOTAL MORON. All I can say is that at least the evening finished with icecream and copious amounts of additional artificial colored sugar or we would have never heard the end of it from our exhausted (unmentioned and ungraduated) toddler. I'm pretty sure I assured John that night that at least I had "ONE thing under control", as the General Contractor on our current roofing job, I was feeling pretty sure of my capabilities of insuring our budget (also using the distraction as some sort of excuse for all the other balls I had dropped). The gollowing morning I dragged myself out of bed at 7 a.m. to the sound of elephants on my roof, an air compressor, and a concert performance by the nail gun !POW! to blaring hoedown music !POW!. I can't believe that the completely reasonable price of a new roof comes with all these wonderful perks! First the roofing manager knocked, then there was a "Phew, ya know, there's a lot more work on this roof than we thought." and then a, "Yeap, it's gonna get pretty darned pricey, ma'm.(whistling through his teeth)" MAYDAY, MAYDAY, (baby crying, toddler tantruming) this General Contractor job has spiraled out of control, where's the spiked coffee? WE'RE GOIN' DOWN!!! When the plumber arrived an hour later to deliver more bad news about a leaky shower I stepped out onto my front porch half dressed and screamed, "Is money seeping out of every orifice of my body??????" And then, the roofer, the plumber, and a passing police officer suddenly linked arms and broke into a country version of Y-M-C-A, high kicking across the roof of my house.


Hannah said...

I was on vacation and am catching up on your blog (love it!)... wondering if this one (village people) has anything to do with the one before it, spider karma! I hope not!!

Gabrielle said...

OH! I didn't even put two and two together! SSOOOooooo True! I guess I had that one coming after my horrid inhumane behavior the previous day! Hope you enjoyed your vacation! With or without kids? -G