The Naked List

All this talk about nudity has sent me into a frenzy of personal hygiene, self help and physical improvements.
Here's what I've pondered as of late:
A. When did my ass turn into a mom butt? I swear, 5 years ago when I had time to look at my butt in the mirror all the time, it was a tight, 20 something pair of perfect round melons. A few years, a few babies and WHAM! Mom Butt. Saggy, Flabby, Droopy and spreading outward into the thigh region. WTF?
B. Breast Augmentation. Yep, that's right. I've talked about it. I've joked about it. But all of a sudden the thought of getting naked has pushed me to the next step-actually researching surgeons. And lemme tell ya, checking out all those boobies online can make a girl feel pretty good about what she's got up top. Wow, there are some really sad looking jugs out there in the world.
Which brings me to my next point: BREAST PARANOIA. I have developed a visual equation for determining how many women in my every day routine already have implants. And I've decided every woman has them. From the yard duty lady at school to the waitress at our local taco stand. No normal woman wears a size 2 jeans, has less than 5% body fat and sports 32 Ds up top. It's just unfair. And the ratio size 2: 32D rings true everywhere I look lately!
C. How shall I go about evening out the color of my skin? Should I go with the stinky lotion or all out tanning bed? Should I focus on dissolving my bikini lines or just darkening all over?
D. Self Purpose. I step out of my car at the preschool with a new little secret. I'm going to bear all in front of a camera! There's a twinkle in my eye, a new reason to tighten my ab muscles every chance I get, and I have a lightness in my step as I walk the tightrope between motherhood and sexy vixen land. (Of course, I'm always on the lookout for another gravity defying ratio-size 2: 32D)
E. Skin Hygiene. How is it that I put a photo shoot on the calendar and the closer the date gets, the more my skin freaks out?!?! Not only do I have three very unwanted zits on my face, but my dog is apparently out to get me, too! She brought us the gift of fleas. I now have a red version of the big dipper pock marked around my belly button. Is that a gray hair on my head?????? OMG.
F. Should I go with a Brazilian Wax job???


JO said...

Photoshop can be your friend! Good luck with the wax job - yeowza!

pickle said...

Well, you are lucky that your booty hasn't always been a mom butt! I had one way before I had kids! I too have checked out those breast sites - and OMG there are some sad cases out there! So when is the big date?