8/9/12

Lonesome Mom

Okay, I have a confession to make: ever since I became a mom I've been secretly daydreaming of my freedom...of having two free hands to eat a meal....going to the bathroom alone....finishing a sentence without being interrupted.....IT FINALLY HAPPENED TODAY!  ALL DAY!!  And I was "with" my kiddos at the local water park for 6 hours.  I finished complete conversations to the point of boredom with my friends, I ate entirely too much because my hands were free and empty, and yes, I even went to the bathroom all by myself, twice.
And halfway through the day I noticed a sinking feeling in my stomach-was it from that giant slice of cheese pizza?  No, it felt different than indigestion, it felt like a pang of lonely, it felt like....WHAM!  I nearly fell out of my lounge chair when I zeroed in on the fact that my children were totally independent of me.  That my days as a doting mother were over, my kids can swim, they can go to the bathroom (albeit in the pool, but still!), they can carry their own tubes up the stairs to the top of the water slide, and they know how to check in with me. 
"Shelby!  Sheellllbyyy!" I shouted over the crashing water of the wave pool.  She was happily chatting away to a group of her girlfriends while bobbing up and down in a sea of swimmers.  We had floated around the lazy river together, not because she asked me to go with her, but because my nephew needed me to help him into an inter tube (thank you, L!).  When we emerged from the river ride, Shelby and her friends floated right out into the next pool. 
"Shheellllby!" I tried once more to no avail.  I realized it was futile and that all I really wanted was her acknowledgement.  I wanted her to know where I was...in case she needed me....but it was apparent that she didn't need me at all.  And she was perfectly happy not needing me.  I AM NOT NEEDED.  Stop screaming at your daughter who does not need you, you crazy goon.
In an embarrassed flourish, I sped over to the kiddie pools where my baby, my nearly 5 year old Ana was swimming in a pod of toddlers, no, not toddlers....kids.  I needed a mommy hug.  Expecting an open armed hug from Ana, I made a beeline for her.  Surely she would want me to swirl her around or help her up the slide....and just as I closed in on her she swam away.  She never looked back. 
I watched her hustle up the path to the water slide and giggle her way down.  When she landed, I stepped in to swoop her up but she splashed past me and up the path to the slide again.
Dejected, I trudged back to my lounge chair.  With my daydream fully realized, I used both of my free hands to shove a sympathy piece of pizza in my mouth.  This wasn't how it was supposed to feel.  This feels sad and bitter.  I'm digging deep for that joyous feeling of freedom and happiness and I'm asking my friends for some help.
"Don't worry, they'll need you later today," says Karen.
But I don't want to be needed when they're tired and whining and demanding!  I want to enjoy them while they're happy, while they're fun, when I can get some sense of reward for being their mommy!  I want my babies back!
As I look at my very pregnant sister-in-law I have a radical thought...."Maybe I should get pregnant again so I can have a baby who needs me." 
POOF!  And just like that, I've officially snapped myself into crazy.  The thought is gone, the urge to procreate left just as soon as it arrived.  I'll take the whiny kiddos later in the day but just know that this is not the way I planned things.  This isn't how it was supposed to turn out.