You Know You're A Redneck When...

Shelby and Grandma were having a playdate and this is how I found them!


The Bottle Fairy

I have embarked on a fairy fantasy adventure with my family in tow. Thanks to a grand introduction and flight path send off from my new friend, B, my family is addicted to the Bottle Fairy fantasy phone call. WHAT!? You've NEVER heard of the Bottle Fairy? Well, it all began with a Boobah....
Upon meeting a fellow mother and building conversation upon that which we are most familiar, one often shares parenting know how, funny moments, and those bothersome parenting hitches. Some new friends will agree, some won't, and some throw on their capes and come to your rescue. In this particular situation, I shared with B how my amazing, pretentious, bright, talkative and outgoing 3 and a half year old was still taking a bottle of milk 2 to 3 times a day and again after brushing her teeth at bedtime. In retrospect, I was in complete denial that this was a problem I had to confront, battle and solve. But not B. She had other plans for me and my bottle toting toddler.
First she nodded, then she shared her daughter's similar issue with a pacifier (Enter Boobah, stage right), and then she donned a cape and a wand and sprinkled Boobah Fairy dust all over Shelby and the rest of our family.
Little did I know that she had a direct line to her daughter's Boobah Fairy (and the ethereal solution to all parenting problems) where presents rain from the sky when you trade your Boobahs in for good.
The Boobah Fairy?! Where have I been???
Then B knelt down in front of Shelby as our family dinner came to a close (and Shelby eyed the fridge for her bottle of milk), and introduced the promise of a Bottle Fairy to our household.
(In a voice only helium could make), "And you too can have the Bottle Fairy come to your house just like our Boobah Fairy. And when you can go to bed at night with a sippy cup of water, your Bottle Fairy will watch you. And late one night, when you're all done with your bottles, she will come and take them away and leave you a whole pile of presents!!!!!!"
She turned to my husband and scribbled a number down, apparently the Bottle Fairy's private line (which looked more like $$$$ to me). And then we turned to observe Shelby's impression of this fairytale and the look on her face said it all.
"Are you ready to try a sippy cup, Shelby?" I asked, hoping to ride the wave of inspiration.
"Mommy, will the Bottle Fairy really come to our house?" Uh-oh, not doubt, no no no doubt allowed!!!
"Yes, sweetheart, and she wants to bring you lots of cool presents when you can give up your bottles! What presents would you want to have?"
"A bubble machine!" (starting small...this is good)
"And pink Ugg boots!" (uh-oh)
"And....a PLAYHOUSE!!!!"
I looked at John's face and she may as well have asked for a Bengal Tiger.
Bringing us all back to the matter at hand, I asked, "Are you ready to try a sippy cup?"
She paused for a moment and looked down at her feet, then she took a sideways glance at B's daughter (a.k.a. Recent Recipient of Boobah Fairy Treasure) and replied, "Yes, mommy! But....can daddy call the Bottle Fairy right now and tell her that I'm not having a bottle?"
HOUSTON, WE HAVE LIFT-OFF!!!! And then B grabbed two hot pink light sabers and waved our family down the runway to our Fairy Future of Fantasy Phone Calls as we gained altitude and made headway toward a bottle-free life.
And, somebody get this family a line of credit-they're gonna need it when the Bottle Fairy finally arrives...


Annual Practicality

Here is a typical conversation I have with my husband on our anniversary, or my birthday, every year.

Me: "Hello? Hey, what's happening?"

Him: "Nothin', I'm just working. Um, were we getting gifts or anything for each other?"

(Note: It is THE DAY of the occasion)

Now, there are two responses I have to this comment:

Me #1: "No, don't worry about it (secretly hoping he will not only worry about it, but come up with something amazing last minute)."

Me #2: "I already got us a gift, it's practical; it begins with need and ends with boring."

May I present to you Example A:

"Besides a hangover, this is what I gave us for our anniversary this year."

If you look carefully, you'll notice the stylishly sleek choking hazards scattered around the base of the plant.


Sibling Sweetness

I have always hoped that my children would someday enjoy each other's company. And I always envisioned that happy playtime would occur sometime in their future. And today, I caught a glimpse of the sweetness that shines between two siblings.
Ana has gathered speed over the past few weeks in more ways than just mobility. She shrieks, she giggles, she stands, she swings, swats, screams and sings; she is a regular entertainer.
This evening, Big Sister Shelby realized Ana's potential and challenged the baby to a crawling race across our living room rug.
They took off at lightning speed and motored away until Ana's legs moved faster than her hands and she pummeled her face into the floor. Shelby burst into hysterics and Ana couldn't help but join in the fun when she retracted her smooshed mug from the rug.
The next half hour was spent traversing the house on all fours, giggling and rolling under the tables and chairs as they made a regular obstacle course of our house.
I couldn't help but smile at the sparkle in their eyes when they peekabooed over the coffee table. Sheer joy.
Bedtime was a whole new ballgame when sharing a room was now a complete distraction for both giggling girls. I knew there had to be a downside to this!


Happy Anniversary to Me

Today, I am celebrating my 7th Wedding Anniversary. And I have learned a few things over the years (just a few) that I'd like to share with the world.
G's Secrets to a Healthy & Happy Marriage:
#1-Marry a man who listens, nods and agrees (almost always). He who has an opinion creates speed bumps in a woman's world. Well, I'm a steam roller baby, and I'm gonna roll all over you, love.
#2-Always kiss each other goodnight-no matter how pissed off you are. This is advice we actually followed from the day we said "I Do" and it works!
#3-Shower your man in love, home baked goods, and ooey gooey compliments (especially if you ever expect any of this to boomerang back to you). This is a formative shield for moments when something offensive slips out of your lips like, "Why don't you do some yoga with me-it might make you taller." (I am such a bitch-where is my internal filter???)
#4-Watch him work-it's the biggest turn on to see your man in action.
#5-Let him be him-respect his hobbies and interests. If you fight them, he will fight you and no one will be happy. He who is given time to pursue his hobbies is a happier man at home and behind closed doors. And the trade off carries over to your own hobbies and interests, so you can hit the gym alone, head to Bunco with the girls or even, a housewife's dream, grocery shop sans children.
#6-Laugh, a lot. This seems to work for my parents through their 37 years of blissful marriage and I fully intend to follow their example. Laugh.
Does anyone else have marital advice? Please send your best material, I'm all ears!